| What kind of life would it be with female viagra and no chocolate? Sheesh |
| Thursday, October 27, 2005 |
I'm talking about the new patches for women showcased at the British inventor's show last week. One increases a woman's libido and one reduces cravings for chocolate.
It just raises all sorts of questions:
1. If I think about sex all the time will I look at a man's genitals when I'm talking to him instead of into his eyes?
2. Will I be addicted to porn?
3. Will I spend all my time on dates just trying to get the man into bed?
4. Will I not respect him in the morning?
5. No foreplay?
6. No talking beforehand and no hugging afterwards?
7. What will I eat bucket loads of just before my period? Yeah, invent a patch that makes the red day go away. That's heaps better. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 2:14 PM |
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| Weird smell memory from my boozy childhood |
| Tuesday, October 25, 2005 |
I have an unusual smell memory.
Well I have some normal ones too - like if I walk past a garden and smell a plant that reminds me of my Nana's back yard; mostly a whiffy hedge cut into the shape of an emu.
Or foods from my childhood - pork chops, Shepherd's Pie, bread and butter pudding, curry with apple, more pork chops, even more pork chops (not a fond memory).
But my unusual smell memory is stale beer. It's like I walk past a pub on a Sunday morning and take an indulgent deep breath to inhale the lovely aroma of stale beer -because it reminds me of my childhood.
Anyway it doesn't say as much about me as it does about the people that took me there - er a lot ;) |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:28 AM |
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| I am a walking cliche |
| Friday, October 21, 2005 |
All the bad things about women - that's me, apparently. I eat far too much chocolate, buy far too many pairs of expensive shoes, am far too irrational sometimes, but claim not to far-t. And well if I do I say it's like a butterfly breathing out. Titter.
I also procrastinate, believe my Stars, anxiety eat, faff, spend far too much time obsessing about my (v. frizzy) hair, and have watched at least five sappy romantic movies more than once. Yeah, okay, so I can quote a couple of them verbatim. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 6:32 PM |
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| Fatal hesitation (It's not at all like fatal attraction) |
| Wednesday, October 19, 2005 |
It's a scourge on the male-female relationship - and it goes a bit like this:
Me: Do you want to go to my aunt's for dinner?
Male hesitates
Me: Oh you don't want to go. Why don't you want to go?
or
Me: Does my bum look big in this?
Male hesitates
Me: It does! You think it DOES look big in this
Of course when he follows this by singing the "Jelly on a plate, Wibble Wobble" song, you KNOW he thinks your bottom is not only big but wobbly too. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 9:58 AM |
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| Men's fashion that should be banned #3 |
| Tuesday, October 18, 2005 |
That white business shirt tucked into a pair of jeans for weekend wear then teamed with very white running shoes (that are quite obviously not used for running).
WORSE - the shirt is short-sleeved.
EVEN WORSE - the jeans are pulled up high in a disastrous attempt to disguise burgeoning middle-age spread.
Just say no.
Men's fashion that should be banned #2Labels: men's fashion that should be banned |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 10:45 AM |
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| Those poor overworked Chinese bridesmaids |
| Friday, October 14, 2005 |
Last year, 10 million Chinese couples got married and they spent USD 30 billion on wedding ceremonies.
That's at least 10 million family arguments, 10 million shall we play Madonna or Phil Collins for the bridal waltz? conversations, 10 million hideously expensive white fouffy dresses - okay so some of them are red silk, but they are still hideously expensive - and quite possibly 30 million bridesmaids saying in their heads Geez do I really have to wear that disgusting outfit? AND blue eyeshadow? Er no thanks.
I know there are a lot of you in China, but really just stop already, if only to spare the poor bridesmaids.
AND
Chairman Mao is being MC at lots of the weddings. I'm not kidding. Well it's an actor pretending to be Chairman Mao - but he's really popular and I'm sure delights all the guests with readings out of the little red book. Afterwards guests can say "Chairman Mao say ... wedding cake had too many sultana", "Chairman Mao say ... bride's dress big white fouffy meringue", "Chairman Mao say ... Father of bride too drunk when making speech".
Okay so maybe I did watch too much Mind Your Language on TV when I was a kid; what of it? |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 2:38 PM |
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| Trivia that has wings: Menstrual Madness |
| Wednesday, October 12, 2005 |
It's red day and so if you don't want to hear about that-time-of-the-month look away now.
Here in Australia the colloquial name for those white (often-winged) panty-saving products is surfboards. Recently the company that creates the surfboards I use began emblazoning the rip-off strip with trivia. I'm not kidding. It's like a bizarre variation of the jokes in Christmas crackers. Things like "Apples are better than coffee at waking you up in the morning", "Elephants only mate when it's raining in Quebec"; that type of thing.
My thoughts, in no particular order.
1. Why? Just why? When are you meant to read them - on the loo? But then don't you just rip the strip off afterwards? I do.
2. Are they special mood-enhancing facts? It doesn't seem like it. It just seems like odd trivia that when repeated makes you sound madder than usual PMT-mad; then that is enhanced by the fact that you repeat them after emerging from a toilet.
3. It makes it difficult to tell people whereabouts you got an interesting bit of trivia from. Oh yeah on my pad just doesn't cut it as a verifiable source. And frankly I don't believe them either. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 12:03 AM |
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| Men's fashion that should be banned #2 |
| Tuesday, October 11, 2005 |
RUNNING SHORTS of the extra short short variety -
I just don't think it's necessary to have those Elizabeth Hurley style splits up the side. And then they are made of a flimsy material that just flaps around flashing the jogger's bits to unsuspecting passers by. That kind of shock can kill an old person you know.
Men's Fashion that should be banned #1Labels: men's fashion that should be banned |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:28 AM |
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| Celeb ditsiness - I'm with you Jen |
| Friday, October 07, 2005 |
Jennifer Love Hewitt once bought and sent Matt Damon a bed because he was complaining about never being able to sleep in a bed of his own. He didn't give her thanks, just 'you're weird' looks at events.
Don't worry Jen. I once told a female workmate who was complaining about being single If I was a man I would marry you, and she never looked at me the same way again. Well actually firstly she gave me a 'you're weird' look, instead of giving me a big hug and saying 'And if I was a man I'd marry you', which is what I expected really. Then from then on whenever I passed her in the hallway she tried really hard not to make eye contact. Cringe. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 1:38 PM |
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| Psychic assessment of Tom Cruise's unborn child |
| Thursday, October 06, 2005 |
He's going to slide across the floor in just a nappy, jump on top of his toy cars and will want to hug Big Bird on television.
But, er, does Big Bird have a couch? Or will he be jumping up and down in some kind of strange over-sized puppet nest?
Well, well, the mission was possible after all ;) |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 10:02 AM |
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| The effects of super hero saturation on day-to-day life #2 |
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The everyday me with PMT, cellulite and quite frizzy hair is only a secret identity.
I am really a superheroine with very slick L'Oreal-commercial locks, smooth toned thighs, and the ability to stay calm in any situation. Oh and I don't need to wear a bra - because all female super heroes have rock-solid D-cups. A'la Wonder Woman.Labels: The effects of superhero saturation on day-to-day life |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 10:18 AM |
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