| Other things that should be banned: fake smells |
| Thursday, April 27, 2006 |
This message goes out to smell creators - particularly those canned smells designed to mask bad toilety odours.
You just can't create a chemical spray and name it 'green apple and honeysuckle', when it smells nothing like apple. And I don't know what honeysuckle smells like, but I'm sure it's not at all like what comes out of this spray can.
Please, next time when you're inventing a flavour, try calling it - and this may come as a complete surprise - 'fresh air' and making it do exactly that.
As for 'apple and honeysuckle', I think I'm scarred for life, and should I ever find those flavours together on a dessert menu, I'll have to run quickly to the, er, toilet. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 4:22 PM |
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| The ditsy guide to fixing things |
| Monday, April 24, 2006 |
The Ditsy Guide to Fixing Things is based on true stories (okay, they are confessions), inspired by this weekend's move from a rental property (particularly the bit where I was rubbing a mark off the wall and a big wad of paint came off).
- When leaving a rental property where your cat has wrecked the vertical blinds by pawing at and breaking the plastic connections, fix with Blu Tack.
- When leaving a house where your dad told you not to put up posters with Blu Tack, but you did, and then discovered that he was right, it does wreck the walls ... fix with white-out/Tipp-Ex (It really doesn't matter that it's not the same colour as the walls).
- When the TV, or your mobile phone or other technology goes a bit fuzzy, shake vigorously (This sometimes works, and sometimes completely annihilates shaked technology. In fact, I've pretty much abandoned this after I saw a colleague's computer emit black smoke and a smell like fresh popcorn)Labels: ditsy event of the day |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 5:07 PM |
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| Moving giant mountains - er no thanks |
| Friday, April 21, 2006 |
The giant mountainous under-groundie pimple on my chin has just about disappeared, only to re-emerge somewhere else.
So my second chin as become a second inner thigh ... which is just terrible, since my thighs are quite big enough thank you very much.
So I'm sending out a cease and desist plea to the person who has a voodoo Twyford doppelganger and instead of pins, is sticking big fat lumps on it. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 10:43 AM |
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| The fringe-killing curse of the cow lick |
| Tuesday, April 18, 2006 |
About once every two years I feel the undeniable urge to get a hairstyle with a fringe. Everywhere I turn I see wonderful hairstyles with fringes - on women I see down the street, in magazines, on beautiful movie heroines. (It is quite obviously the key to happiness and success)
But there is one problem - it is torturous for me to get a fringe. This is because I have two fierce cow-licks, one on each side of my forehead, which means no matter how I tug, slosh in copious amounts of hair product, or brush a fringe, bits of hair still stick out unattractively and un-fringe-like from my head.
Then, of course, it takes two years for the fringe to grow out. (At which point I have the same dilemma all over again.)
I don't know where I had the evil misfortune to get a cow lick my forehead twice as a small child ... well that is where the bovine fringe curses come from, isn't it? ;)Labels: hair |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:37 AM |
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| It's diet downhill when you start the day with bunny ears |
| Friday, April 14, 2006 |
Everyone knows that a 'healthy' eating day has to start well. If you start off badly, you may as well write off the rest of the day.
So here I am in the wake of bad, bad breakfast. But that giant chocolate Easter bunny was begging me to stick my face in its ears this morning - really. And then you just can't follow that with muesli. There's no going back. I may as well wallow in the evil diet doldrums, console myself with one calorie-ridden snack after another.
So really it's okay that I demolished the rest of the giant Easter bunny by lunch time and am eyeing off an entire packet of Tim Tams for dinner, since tomorrow I'm planning to start the next day with a delicate diet-friendly dainty sized bowl of watermelon ;) |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 2:20 PM |
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| I'm feeding a second chin with two-types of garlic |
| Saturday, April 08, 2006 |
Not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but it really is a mountain ... the pimple that has lodged itself on the lower half of my face. I'm not kidding, it's like a second chin - it even has its own heartbeat.
It's the kind of Mt. Vesuvius-sized facial eruption that keeps you indoors, lest you bump into an ex-boyfriend at the supermarket (which is, of course, highly likely when you look like crap).
So now I am stuck indoors with fridge contents of two eggs, a small jar of crushed garlic, some fresh garlic (don't ask me why I have both, I have no idea), and some oats. Tasty. And here I am eating for two (Me and the massive pimple). |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 2:13 PM |
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| What the ...? weird dreams a la weird person |
| Thursday, April 06, 2006 |
What does it mean when you are in a public toilet in a dream and the door won't lock properly and a Vietnamese lady keeps trying to get in then she goes away and an Indian lady comes along and manages to push me off the toilet and out of the room so she can go?
And then the actor Stephen Fry is doing a performance as conjoined adult twins and they arrive across the ocean in a London taxi pulled by a speed boat then he is giving away free winery tour vouchers and throws them in front of me. Some old school friends of mine get greedy and snatch four each, but I'm really proud of myself because I only take one.
Then I'm involved in a house flooding with actor Rowan Atkinson and I'm on the front page of the newspaper with a little-girl piggy tail hairstyle and the media are outside the house wanting to interview me.
I think it means I'm certifiably weird. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 3:12 AM |
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| Men's fashion that should be banned #11 |
| Tuesday, April 04, 2006 |
I'm sure I don't know what that archaeologist was doing wearing white trousers and a tucked-in white shirt - maybe he thought it was appropriate TV-show wear. But it certainly wasn't appropriate, firstly because it was going to get dirty in one instant in the dusty environs, secondly because it did nothing to hide his coloured underpants, and thirdly just because completely white male-outfits are awful.
And that means: White suits at weddings. Hello! Only the bride is meant to look like a big white meringue.
I don't know what possesses men to wear completely white outfits ... perhaps it's a lingering obsession with Miami Vice, or the fact that they really do want to look like a candle.
Men's fashion that should be banned #10Labels: men's fashion that should be banned |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:54 AM |
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| I'm ravenous ... and eating worms |
| Monday, April 03, 2006 |
| I'm going outside to eat worms, and, well, anything else I can get my hands on in the lead up to dreaded evil red week. Everybody hates me. Shut up Ms. Paranoid. Sorry she's a bit out of hand at the mo. Meanwhile, Ms. Sensitive is crying at the TV news again, and the fact that I managed to spill my lunch all over the floor. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 5:44 PM |
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| I gave away a Franklin Mint heirloom |
| Saturday, April 01, 2006 |
I gave the plate away to the local charity shop eons ago, but just came across the certificate of authenticity in piles and piles of paper filed under 'miscellaneous' (It's amazing what you can find under miscellaneous.)
Anyway finding it made me feel bad for two reasons:
1. It was a gift from my elderly Aunt who may have bought me a hideous cat plate because she thinks I have a cat obsession, but she is lovely and it was kind of nice that she bought me something "crafted of fine porcelain, bordered and individually hand-numbered in 24-carat gold" that is "a limited edition" and "recommended as a heirloom".
2. I could have sold it on e-bay! For money! Other people are.
Everyone has one of those aunts |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 10:35 AM |
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