| The only time I have ever wished I was Madonna |
| Tuesday, March 20, 2007 |
In a book due to be published Madonna's nanny or housekeeper says there was a rule in the house of no noise when Madonna was sleeping, not even running water.
I WISH I had the power to demand that. Yeah I'm talking to you the garbage collectors who come almost every day, the cars that speed past my house, the council workers who blow the leaves away with loud blowy machines, the furniture removalists who park outside my house at least once a week, as well as the late-night mutterers, car-door slammers, and arguing (sometimes crying) couples.
Come to think of it, i think i would allow running water. |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:09 AM |
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| Flying in the air with the greatest unease |
| Monday, March 19, 2007 |
I think I have finally recovered from embarrassment enough to tell this story (well just about anyway. Cringe)
In January a friend asked me if I wanted to learn how to fly a trapeze. It was a free event and the trapeze was set up bang smack in the middle of the city of Melbourne.
I wasn't nervous, not one bit, after all the week before I flew a helicopter, so what was there to be nervous about. Nothing, of course ... only my body thought differently.
So I got there and I am in over-excited chat mode, talking and laughing with all the other people doing the workshop (including one 7-year-old girl).
So the trapeze instructors are telling us we have to climb to the top of this huge swaying-in-the-breeze ladder, grab the swing then launch ourselves into the air, get our legs up onto the bar and hang upside down by our knees, then fall on the safety net. Everybody else seems to be able to do this fine, particularly the seven-year-old, who is a star.
But when I get up to the top of the ladder, I am completely frozen. The instructor at the top has to wipe my legs from underneath me to even get me to leave the platform, then the instructor at the bottom is yelling at me to do things.
Swing! I shake my head.
Get your legs up! I shake my head.
Fall on the net! I shake my head.
Herewith, an unfortunate impasse, where my body refuses to do anything and even refuses to fall on the net. So there I am just hanging, unmoving, my hands in a bar death-grip..
There were no claps from the crowd either. You see the worst thing was that it was Australia Day and there was a big parade in the city, so I had a crowd of people watching me (and also meant I did my ditsiness to the tune of Advance Australia Fair delivered by bagpipes)Labels: ditsy event of the day |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:28 AM |
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| Melbourne plumber love affair over |
| Wednesday, March 14, 2007 |
Dear Melbourne plumber - generic,
I am writing to let you know our affair is over - before it began. I rang you several times. Oh you sounded helpful on the phone, you even promised to come around, you even arranged a day to come; several days in fact. But I feel so betrayed. You didn't come, you didn't call ... you, you, you LIED to me.
And I even offered to pay - yes, I offered to give you money, but still you snubbed me; several times in fact.
Well I just wanted to let you know that yes, I'm over you. I'm well and truly over you (although I am thinking of kidnapping you so I can, after a month and a half, finally get ... my claw foot bath installed.)
Never yours,
Cleo Twyford
Dear all, I am starting a new group, it's called 'I Hate Plumbers Anonymous'. It's free to join. I'm expecting to be inundated ;) |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 9:48 PM |
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| Something odd about hair dye |
| Tuesday, March 13, 2007 |
| It strikes me as rather odd that when you use an at-home hair dye, you have to carefully put on plastic gloves to protect your hands from the chemicals, then you spread the same mixture all over your scalp... Labels: hair |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 11:50 AM |
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| Almost ditsy event of the day |
| Wednesday, March 07, 2007 |
So I arrive at the gym and there is a guy at the counter who looks really really familiar. So familiar, in fact, that I am convinced that I went to primary school with him. I'm just about to ask him 'where did you go to primary school?' when he gets caught up talking about something with the receptionist.
Then before the class a girl walks in and says 'I just saw Vince Colosimo, you know, that actor'.
Yes, I didn't know him from primary school, he's just an Aussie celeb. Boy, am I glad I didn't say that!Labels: ditsy event of the day |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 10:05 AM |
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| Everyone is allocated a personal fly |
| Thursday, March 01, 2007 |
This is another theory from the bizarre (but strangely attractive. Ok, who am I kidding?) mind of Twyford.
You know how a fly can follow you around? It lands on your face, you swish it away, it comes back and lands on your face. Even when I'm riding my bike at some speed a fly can keep up. Well that's because you get allocated a fly at birth. If you kill that fly then another one is automatically allocated from God's personal fly machine.
I've named mine. It's called Bob.Labels: my weird theories |
| posted by Cleo Twyford @ 9:05 AM |
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